A High Bar (Mitzvah) to Clear

by Juliana Bloom, PhD

Modern bar/bat mitzvahs can be big events with equally big price tags, but is that right for my child – or yours? 

Our oldest child is 10, and we’re starting to think about his bar mitzvah. Oy! There is a lot to consider – my husband and I had vastly different b’nai mitzvah celebrations. He had a white tux, live band affair with a surprise appearance from a WWE wrestler, and I had a subdued but nice synagogue luncheon. 

That was then. Now, as we face the reality of an upcoming bar mitzvah, we must also face the reality of the times. We have a limited budget and a huge family. A Saturday night, hotel-ballroom soirée (even without the wrestler) could easily be $30,000. Now, we’re not ones who try to keep up with the Joneses (or, in this case, the Goldbergs), but what are the Joneses doing these days? It seems like it runs the gamut from traditional celebrations to destination mitzvahs to kid-focused parties at bowling alleys or escape rooms.

In trying to wrap my head around what would be the right route for our family, I realized I needed a framework. I found one that resonated with me in journalist Mark Oppenheimer’s article Three Rules for a Better Bar or Bat Mitzvah (Tablet magazine, March 3, 2017). Mark reminds us that the bar or bat mitzvah ceremony represents the child’s joining the community of Jewish adults. He suggests there are three essential parts: something the child does, a Jewish community to share it with, and the onset of new adult responsibilities.

Mark’s article helped me realize this event is much more than a fancy birthday party and that the day isn’t just about our child. Rather, it is equally about our family and our Jewish community (sorry, son, a dessert and video games party is out). This milestone is about passing on the legacy and tradition of Judaism from the older generation to the new one. My husband and I decided it is important to us that there be a Jewish community at our children’s b’nai mitzvahs. For us, that means being surrounded by loved ones in the congregation we call our synagogue home. Your community, however, could be a day-school class, friends from summer camp, or, simply, a Jewish community of your making. 

Think about how to make the ceremony unique to your child. Every child has a unique gift. Maybe your child is a wonderful singer and would prefer to sing instead of read a speech. Maybe your child is shy or not very musical, but she loves to draw – can you use her art for the centerpieces or favors? 

One mother noted that her first son did a traditional morning service, followed by a lunch in the social hall, followed by an evening party. Although this was a great experience for her eldest, she knew she would have to do it differently for her younger child because of his anxiety. A more intimate, and shorter, Havdalah service is what they are planning for him. 

There is no one right answer just as there is no one right way to celebrate. For my husband and me, it’s not about recreating the bar and bat mitzvahs that we had. It’s about creating a spiritual and meaningful experience for our children. One they will treasure and cherish. And one that will help instill in them a sense of Judaism and Jewish community. It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses, but rather, keeping on with the tradition of celebrating this milestone and, with that, doing it in a way that’s meaningful to your child, your family, and the Jewish community.