BIG Feelings, BIG Opportunities
by Melissa Youngblood
You have five minutes, you just need to grab one ingredient for tonight’s dinner, you run into the store with your three-year-old, and then it happens. Your child sees something they simply cannot live without and in response to your “no,” they completely melt down. Not only are you now late, you are now the focus of everyone’s attention. You scoop up your screaming toddler, walk out of the store thinking, ”Who needs taco shells for tacos, anyway?”
Our children’s BIG feelings always seem to reveal themselves at the most inopportune times. The reality is, as parents, I feel we can generally agree that no time feels like the right time to address emotions so out of control that a freight train would be easier to stop. Yet, these BIG feelings are actually an integral part of growing up successfully.
Our brain is wired to regulate emotion, but the brain builds its regulatory mechanism gradually. It’s a process that takes a combination of biological development and human guidance. As much as I know any parent of a two- through seven-year-old would love to speed up the biology component, the reality is BIG feelings are just part of being a child. How we respond to them is truly what makes the difference in our child’s lives and the lives of the children around them.
Naturally, as with anything to do with development and genetics, all children are different. Some children are better at controlling these feelings or do so in a way deemed more appropriate by society. We tend to call these children easy to manage, and adults tend to gravitate to them. But it’s the other children, the ones who have us walking out without our taco shells, who actually need adults the most to help them build the regulatory mechanism inside their brains.
How we, the adults, respond to children with BIG feelings teaches them how to approach life and ultimately function in society. More and more, we are hearing about the importance of mental health. Regulating emotion is a major aspect of mental well-being and, as much as we may not realize it, how we respond to that child in the store has a major impact on their ability to regulate their emotions into adulthood.
Children need to have their feelings labeled so they understand what it is they are experiencing. Once they understand, they can be given the tools and strategies to manage their thoughts, feelings, and reaction. When a child is disappointed, it is important to say, “I know you must feel disappointed that we did not get ice cream as planned, and it is OK to be disappointed, but it is not OK to hit.” By labeling, you are giving them the words to describe their emotions next time they feel them. By saying it is OK, you are validating that it is OK to feel a certain way. We all feel. It is what makes us human. Feelings are never the issue – it is how we respond to the feelings that creates potential challenges. Our job as parents is to provide an alternative reaction or solution to help our children grow in their abilities to regulate.
Although the timing is never ideal, making a point to label, validate, and provide alternative responses will pay dividends as your child grows. As much as it stinks to eat tacos without taco shells, the lessons learned in those moments are truly ones that alter the mind and, ultimately, the soul.